"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer."German," she replies."Occupation?"No, just here for a few days."As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams:"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.Then I remembered – the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30."Jesus Loves You."Nice to hear in. Poor Bob. He got fucked but now he has to listen to this crazy woman. I went on and on until he stopped me with a kiss.He pulled my head to his chest and stroked my hair with one hand and my bare back with the other. He whispered over and over, “You’ll figure it out. Let yourself be. You’ll figure it out.”* * * * *I must have fallen asleep on him. I woke up with the covers pulled up to my shoulders and the light off. It was 2:11. I glanced next to me. I was alone. The house outside the bedroom door looked dark. I pulled the covers tighter and slipped easily back to sleep.* * * * *The next day at work, Bob and I had a normal amount of interaction. He asked me three times if I was all right. I assured him I was and thanked him for the evening and his understanding. I couldn’t get out of my head, though, everything we had talked about. I also couldn’t get out of my head the feelings I felt that night, the amazing, exciting, shattering feelings of the experience. .
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